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Don’t Make Me Come Back There: Karen Carlson book

 

So... I'm thinking of writing a book based on my experiences as a mom... not so much the "mommy blog" of today, but how things have changed so much from when I was a kid.

Here's my excerpt from my latest chapter called: "I Told You So."

My little girl, Jordan Elizabeth, is almost 3 now. Her terrible twos have been in place for a while, but now that she’s just a few months away from no longer being two, she is, apparently, trying to get all she can out of it.

Tantrums that would give the Tasmanian devil tips on how to be disruptive. Arms flailing, purposely scratching my face and falling down as if just shot by a bullet. The other night I tried to give her a bath, and I swear, it was the worst day of my life.

Sometimes, I get this wild hair and I fantasize about filing a class action lawsuit against the ad agency that puts together those Huggies commercials. Babies, all cute, softly sleeping with nothing but a diaper on and the love of a good mom. Who, of course, is beautiful – as in, her hair is combed and she has a face full of perfect makeup. Is it me, or does every new mother in America feel like screaming, “THIS IS FALSE ADVERTISING, PEOPLE!” New mothers don’t spend time at a salon getting our nails perfectly filed and covered in gel. New moms are lucky if they get to change their clothes without having vomit on them. For me, you were lucky if you got me on a day I brushed my teeth.

I’m exaggerating, of course, but sadly – not by much. Everyone calls to congratulate you and all you want to do is reach through the phone a’la Homer Simpson and start to strangle your well-meaning friend. Why, oh why, did you wake me up?

Ahh.. the joy. Hand me my croissant and General Foods International Coffee and let me bask in the loving peace and serenity of parenthood.

ABCmouse.com

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